Locked inside myself.

Disclaimer : Hey there, if you are reading this, then disconnect all your expectations of hope, happy ending or a miracle from yourself. It's a work of fiction but for some it could be a reality. It might disturb you at some point. There is nothing good about this one. It's exhausting, boring and painful. I have lost some part of me while writing this. Some part of me rebelled against the idea of writing this while some supported me a lot. 

Hello there, if you are receiving this by any source. Thanks for your time I would say. I don't know the exact date and time I am writing this to you. But I know you are a human and you understand the emotions very well. I don't know from where to begin. I am locked inside myself for a long time now. But I still remember the day it all started. 

It was a summer afternoon in Delhi. The crowd in the Cannaught place was as usual, some  looking inside the shopping malls from outside while some were inside the shopping malls. Thanks to the staff of Madras Caffe restaurant for serving complimentary drinks to their guests upon arrival. I have been waiting for this day since last two weeks. Looking into her eyes while having my first bite of idli was a dream come true moment for me. It's been a matter of time when I first met her in a food gallary discussing her favourite cuisine with an Italian lady. Her black eyes were enough to show her love for food and her expressions were enough to show her interest in meeting new people.

It's been quarter past twelve and there was still no sign of her arrival. After a few moments a waiter arrived to me, "Sir do you need anything?" Not yet, I replied firmly. Waiter left with nodding his head. The couple sitting next to me were having their mango shake from the same glass and looking into each other eyes with different straws in their lips. They slightly noticed my glare and got uncomfortable. I immediately started glaring at my phone in an inconvenience of sitting all alone. I opened my Instagram and messaged her, "where have you been?" Outside restaurant parking my car, the message replied. I immediately opened the selfie camera of my phone started making up for my hair. "What a teenage thing to do?" I asked myself.

There she was getting out of her black sedan in her black suit. Her hair were talking to the Delhi air while she was locking her car. The air conditioner in the restaurant was getting more cooler upon her arrival. Now she was standing at the entrance of the restaurant, her eyes were searching for mine. Hey there, I waved at her. Hey, she waved me back and started moving towards me. Hey I am so sorry, I am late, you know Delhi traffic? it sucks, she mumbled while having a sip of water. Arre! No issues. Even I just arrived, told her. Toh? What's there in the menu? She asked while taking off her red shades. I would love to know your musings about South Indian food while eating, she said while looking in the menu. The red and black texture of her hair was shining a lot. The way she was moving her hair to the back of her ears could make anyone fall for her. Some of her hair were coming in front of her eyes while she was looking at the menu. Damn! she was looking so beautiful, I said to myself. I could spend my whole life looking at her like this. Kidar? (Where) She knocked me with her fingers while I was lost in my own thoughts. What would you like to have, she asked. Ahm! Ah one plate of Idli sambhar I replied. Okay, she said but I will order something else.

Soon the waiter arrived with one plate of Idli and Uttapam. She smiled at me when waiter asked me "Sir anything else you want?" Yes one Parrota and lemon rice after this, I replied. Toh! What's so special about your love for South Indian food? She asked. Sometimes she asks a lot of questions in a curiosity to know the things more and that's what I like about her. There is nothing special anything. It's just like I have spend most of my teenage days in South India, I replied. Now let's eat. I was about to discuss my cravings for Parrota to her suddenly a man in a white safari suit came to her and grabbed her from the wrist. I was about to grab the man but her expressions were saying that she knows him very well. Stay here, I will be back she said to me and walked to the corner of the restaurant with the man. I couldn't hear the single word she was saying to him. All I was seeing the way she was moving her hands in air while talking to him. There were tears in her eyes like she was hating this part of her life. After sometime they both left the restaurant and I started looking at her half eaten Uttapam. I payed the bill and started walking firm footed out of the restaurant. It was about 6:30 in the evening and I was still in my car waiting outside the restaurant for her. Because she said "she will be back". I opened my phone there were five missed calls from my mom. There was also a text "come home early I want you to meet someone". This is her favourite hobby ever since I have got a job. Every weekend she arrange some girl to meet me. I hate this part of my life a lot. The sun started setting off but the her memory was still alive in my head. I drove towards home.

My house was more looking alike some Delhi night pub that night. Mom managed to contact some of her interior designer friends for the lightning and decoration. I entered the lawn by rolling my car keys in my fingers and she stopped me by saying "This is Sameksha, she has completed her B Tech from one of the top institutues in Bangalore". Oh hi Sameksha, I waved at her with a fake smile. Hi! she waved me back. Why don't you and Sameksha go on a walk and I arrange table for you guys mom said. I hated this, I mean at this point of time I was not even in a mood to have a conversation with myself. Sameksha's high heels tap sound was irritating me a lot while she was walking. Hey don't you mind if we could sit somewhere and talk, I asked. Yeah sure, she said looking for some place. Now we both had drinks in our hand. She started marketing herself now. MNCs are getting lot more demanding these days, it's not easy to have a job these days unless you have a good portfolios she started bubbling in her fake European accent. I was not even there, my mind was still wandering around that afternoon situation. Even the drink in my hand was not helping me much to get over that situation. I noticed Sameksha's moving lips without any voice, my dad laughing over a politics joke without any sound, Bar tender making an extra large for my uncles without any hassle. Oh hello! Where? Chadd gayi haii kya (are you drunk?) She said while snapping her fingers over me. Hey Sameksha, don't you mind If I could get a refill for myself, I asked her. Sure, she said. Come fast, I need to discuss something about the life after marriage in corporate sector, I heard her last words from the back. I went into my washroom and started looking at myself in the mirror. I rinsed my face ten-twenty times to get over myself. In an unconscious state of mind I took out my purse from the back of my pants and there was her food gallary card. Bingo! It's half an hour drive from my home. If I leave now then I will be there at 10:30. I jumped from the back of my balcony and went to the other side of road. Dada! Lajpat Nagar Chaloge ( take me to the Lajpat Nagar). Now I was talking to the air too. The auto driver had a good taste in music. "Meri ankhon ne chuna haii tujko duniya Dekh me" by Jagjit was playing in the stereo. I peeped out my face from the auto. The man in his thirties selling the light toys to the children, street vendors selling momos and Chat papdi on the roadside, Corporate people in suit and tie returning from their long lasting day work in their sedans to their loved ones, beggars in a hope of earning their final penny before a good night sleep. This is how Delhi looks during night.

Aa Gaya sir! (We arrived sir) the auto driver said while looking outside the address I mentioned him. G -27 Arora and family, the name plate outside the house was enough to display that I was at the right address. I ringed the door bell two-three times. No reply. After ten minutes a man in his white pajamas and kurta peeped out of gate. He was the same restaurant guy. Sir, may I come in I said in a soft voice. Oh yes yes aaiye, Aap hi Ka toh intezaar tha (I was waiting for you only) he said in a sarcastic tone. For how long you know her, he asked me with a drink in his hand. Feels like a lifetime, I said to myself. Not so long sir, I replied. You know who I am? He asked. No sir, I replied. Ha! Ha! Ha! doesn't matter, he said in a bit sarcastic but in shady tone by rolling his eyes over me. Give me your phone, he asked me. Why? I asked. Because I am running out of balance that's why, he said it so fast that I couldn't hear him properly. I took out my phone and gave to him. Password please, he said. I opened the password and handed my phone over him. Come let's have a walk, he immediately said while looking into my phone. Sir, It's getting late my mom might be waiting, its better you call her right now. I just need five minutes alone with her I said. Arre come na! Come come. I want to show you something he said. This is a place where my father used to take me he said. He took me to a big auditorium kind of room. It was a really dark room. This room could absord the whole daylight into itself. No sound could pass out of that room. While I was standing and looking at the height of the room, he walked outside with the keys of room by saying that "wait here I will call her". I rushed towards him but too late. He locked me from the outside. I knocked the door several times with a fear of suffocation. Sir you can't do this, this is against the rule, open the door otherwise I said. Otherwise? Otherwise what Haan! He cut me in between. Now you know who I am? I am the husband, he spoke in anger. "Hey hey, hello there locked inside the cage from everywhere" he said to me. You want to see a miracle now? Haan? he asked me in a magician voice. He texted a message from my Instagram "Hey bitch, don't show me your face again, I don't want to ever see you again you play with people emotions" and displayed it to me. You bastard, let me once get out of here I said in anger. Too late he said and sent it. Bye bye my little humming bird I listened his last words before he left.

Now the world started seemed more darker to me than the room itself. I punched the walls of the room thousand times in anger. The blood started spelling all over the floor. Now I spend my days thinking about "what she thinks about me?". A normal human can last for 8-21 days without food and water. But what about a normal human with memories and regrets. Sometimes I dream about her lying in her lap reading my favourite book on a beach. Her red and black hair protecting me from the sunshine as I look above. What if she hates me? What if she still misses me? But isn't she too amazing in herself? Why would she need someone else like me in her mind? These are all the questions I have in my mind right now. All I have her memories. Since the first day I saw her in a food  gallary to the last day I was eating my last Idli  in Madras Cafe restaurant. There are others too who care about me. My mom, dad, brother might be looking out there for me. I wish I could think about them too. But her memory is so sweet and is the only reason I am still alive. If you have reached this far then this is me greeting to you from somewhere, locked inside myself. The day I will unlock from myself I will be free. Till then I will irritate and exhaust myself with my words. Because everyone needs a reason to feel alive. This is mine. What is your's? My voice has been distorted without water, it's been months I haven't drank a single drop of water. But still I sing Maroon 5 memories sometimes. She visits me sometimes with water and food in dreams. Sometimes I feel honoured to have her memories for so long in my mind. I feel so privileged sometimes.

This is me writing for me and singing for myself from the other end.

There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain

When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same

Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name

Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day

Regards.